


Bucky vs. the Infomercial

by Rainne



Series: Bucky vs. the 21st Century [6]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: As Seen On TV, Gen, call now to order, not available in stores
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 17:50:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19381729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainne/pseuds/Rainne
Summary: In which Bucky discovers the purest form of 3 a.m. entertainment.





	Bucky vs. the Infomercial

It was three o’clock in the morning one chilly November night when Sam woke up both thirsty and needing to pee. He went to the bathroom to take care of business first, then headed downstairs to get a glass of water. Standing in the kitchen, he realized that the noise he was getting on the edge of his hearing was the television turned way down low. He knew he’d left Steve sound asleep in bed, so there was only one other person it could be.

Glass in hand, Sam wandered into the living room. Bucky was wrapped up in a blanket burrito on the couch, looking a little ghostly in the blue light from the TV, listening to Gilbert Gottfried go on about how difficult it could be to put your shoes on and take them off again, and that therefore everyone needed something called a “Shoedini” that appeared to be nothing more than a shoehorn on a stick.

“Oh, man,” Sam said, sitting down on the other end of the couch. “This is the ticket when you can’t sleep.”

“People will just buy anything,” Bucky replied. “A minute ago there was one for a pillow kind of thing that you put over your toilet and use it to push a clog down instead of plungering it. And I mean, I can see the benefits, but the ad itself showed some lady taking a faceful of what was supposed to be poop water and I just...” He trailed off, shaking his head.

“I feel that,” Sam replied. “Some of these things are just _ridiculous._ ” He paused. “There used to be one for a device called The Clapper. I don’t know if you can still get them, but basically it’s a box you plug stuff - like a lamp or whatever - into, and when you clap” - he demonstrated, two sharp claps just like the ones in the old infomercial - “the box turns on or off, so your lamp turns on or off.”

Bucky was quiet for a minute before saying, very softly, “ _Why?_ ”

“Actually,” Sam said, “some of these products you see are _really_ useful for people who have disabilities. Like the Snuggie. It’s a blanket with sleeves, basically, and you put it on frontways instead of backward like a jacket. And it got really popular for like ten hot minutes, but people still made fun of it. But the point of it was that it was made for people in wheelchairs who can’t put on a robe the usual way.”

“Ohh,” Bucky said softly. “Yeah, okay, that makes sense.” He considered. “Okay, so the Comfort Wipe - I was actually kind of grossed out, but now that I think about it, it would be good for people who can’t bend or... or maybe their hands don’t work properly.”

“Comfort Wipe?” Sam asked, pretty sure he would regret hearing the answer.

Bucky held out his hands about two feet apart. “Stick,” he said. “About so long. You wrap your toilet paper around the end of it and...”

“Yeah, okay,” Sam said, nodding. “Yeah, that would definitely be good for people who have, like, arthritis or spinal injuries or something.”

“Yeah,” Bucky agreed. He turned his attention back to the TV. “Now I won’t be able to look at these without wondering what kind of disability they’re helpful for.”

A new infomercial began. The two of them fell silent to watch as an announcer explained all about how a small stuffed bear that attached to one’s seat belt could prevent annoying seat belt habits like rubbing on bare shoulders or digging in when crossing the chest. All of the users in the advertisement, Bucky noticed, were smiling women, and when used on the chest, the bear, which faced the user, snuggled right into...

“They did not call this thing a titty bear,” Sam said flatly.

“Oh, yes, they did,” Bucky replied. “I especially appreciate how determined they are to make sure you know it’s spelled with Ds.”

“How in the hell are these women saying _titty bear_ with a straight face?”

“I have no idea,” Bucky replied. He shook his head as he watched a woman snuggle the bear’s face right into her cleavage. “Man, they’ll just put anything on TV these days, won’t they?”

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all. [It is a real thing.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gw1g2yKxb0I)


End file.
